


Hold my Hand, it's a Long way Down

by KtheG



Series: FallenHalo [4]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: A Little Bit of Enemies to Lovers, Ava thinks about the sacrifice Lilith made for her, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship, she doesn't think she deserves the halo, soft at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:49:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26472919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KtheG/pseuds/KtheG
Summary: Ava can't stop thinking about Lilith's sacrifice for her.
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Ava Silva
Series: FallenHalo [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1865551
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	Hold my Hand, it's a Long way Down

**Author's Note:**

> these two self-sacrificial idiots are my favorite.

As Ava is walking through the mountains, lost and questioning everything, her mind can't help but keep coming back to the hurt on Lilith's face the first time Ava left her to die. And that wasn't even a real death; it was a trick but the hurt was still there. It's not easy to forget someone's lack of trust (it's even more painful to know that they can't trust you). So Ava is replaying Lilith _actually_ dying over and over in her head as she runs through the port town and gets lost, aims for the hills where she can be alone. All she can hear is Lilith's words "you left me there to die" on repeat with the image of Lilith jumping in front of the Tarask for her. Once again, Lilith was dead for Ava's mistakes. And it was all her fault. She couldn't own up and be the Halo Bearer they needed, and people were dead, _or worse, Lilith could be in actual Hell_ because of her inability to act. And that's all it was, action. They only actions Ava seemed capable of these days ended in disaster. So she chose to take herself out of the equation. Head off into the hills and hide. Don't let anybody find her so she can't hurt anybody else. When the next Tarask comes for her, she'll give up the Halo, guarantee that nobody else will die for her.

So when Mary finds her? Ava is a little shocked. She didn't think Mary would care (she had gotten her best friend killed after all). But the two days she spends in Ronda (the first with Mary, beating the Hell out of a person (literally) and the second, helping Mateo in the kitchen) are some of the most enlightening days she's ever experience (granted, she has really only experienced horrible days for the last 12 years of her life). But every time she closes her eyes? she sees Lilith, jumping in front of a Tarask for her; for _her_ who can't even hold a sword properly. She makes a vow then and there to learn how to fight, to be the best goddamn Warrior Nun she can be so nobody else has to die for her. She may still have a death wish, but at least she can guarantee that nobody else has to die with her.

That doesn't mean she's prepared for it. She makes her way back to Cat's Cradle, phases through a wall into a secret room, explodes herself for Beatrice (out of fear for her friend), gets shot in the shoulder (dangerously close to her heart, she can _feel_ the bolt in her body) and has to be dragged out of the cathedral half conscious. They make it to ArqTech, she vows to get through 20 feet of wall in order to save humanity (she has to admit, her life kind of reminds her of all those superhero movies) and so when Lilith comes crashing through the door? That's literally the last thing Ava's expecting. She can feel her stomach flipping, feel her heart speed up. There's just _something_ about Lilith that Ava connects with. The air is practically vibrating with their energy, and so when Lilith calls out her name? Ava begins to feel the tightness in her chest ease, just a little.

Ava is afraid. She doesn't think Lilith will want to see her (she did basically accuse Ava of being disloyal and a flight risk, which.... was true, but it's not anymore, and Ava doesn't know how to show that yet.) So she throws herself into training, hoping that she can come to Lilith with something to be proud of. Turns out, Beatrice's analysis of the story of Sister Melanie, and Ava's realization for herself, she's even more afraid to see Lilith. There was always something there and now it makes sense why Ava was so hurt by the accusation that she would leave Lilith to die (but she knows that Lilith was even more hurt by her actions). So Ava avoids Lilith for as long as possible. And when she does see her? She's _so_ awkward about it. Like, so awkward you'd never think she'd talked to another human being in her entire life (which, to be fair, is not far from the truth).

"I'm glad you're not dead." _Way to go Ava, she's going to think you're a shallow bitch._

Lilith just chuckled, a small "me too" leaving her lips, and Ava gets lost in her smile. (These feelings? Ava's pretty sure if she was in a tv show, the narrator would call them capital F feelings.) But Ava is afraid. These words may be light, but she knows that Lilith still doesn't trust her, knows that she practically got the other woman killed, and that she's going to have to prove herself to Lilith, just like she had to prove herself to Beatrice earlier that day.

But as luck would have it, there wasn't enough time, and so Ava had to leave Lilith behind one more time, in order to basically sacrifice herself for the cause (the same cause that Lilith had sacrificed _herself_ to) and Ava wasn't sure how to tell that to Lilith

But when Lilith showed up at the catacombs? Ava didn't know what to think. And it didn't seem like the Lilith she knew. There was no dig at Ava's inability to be the Halo Bearer (little did Ava know that that's not something Lilith thought anymore. She had been through Hell, seen some shit that changed her.) Instead, Ava had to help her sister's fight Lilith in order to continue their mission. It's almost as if Lilith _knew_ of Ava's plans to die tonight, was there to stop her personally. But it didn't matter, because Mary had Lilith in a headlock and it was time for Ava to make sure she was the _last_ warrior nun, just like she had promised herself that second day in Ronda.

She phased through the wall, and lo and behold, no bones. (Had Lilith known about Adriel? Is that why she had looked so afraid for Ava?) When she saw the images flash through her brain, Ava had been sure that Adriel was the Devil, but that Lilith was an angel. And yet? It was all Ava's fault. Lilith may have a connection to the other side, but it's only because Ava left her there to die. She couldn't for sure say what Adriel was, still couldn't believe in a God or a true Devil, but all she knows is that Adriel is a dirty, rotten, _thief_ and that Lilith was different. So Ava made the decision, she wouldn't give up the Halo so easily. It warmed under her skin, almost in agreement; she had to stay alive. For Lilith. To make sure that Lilith's sacrifice wasn't for nothing. She would get out of this, and she would help Lilith heal, to remind Lilith of who she is.

But when Adriel reach inside of her to grab the Halo? It _hurt._ Worse than the memory of getting hit by a car, worse than the emotional taunts Sister Frances had thrown at her day in and day out. But it was the thought of staying alive for Lilith that got her through it.

When the wall came crashing down around her and Ava couldn't move, she figured this would be an acceptable price to pay for stopping evil. She would take being quadriplegic over death if it meant she could learn more about Lilith. But then Beatrice was above her with Lilith, they had their hands around her, helping her out of the rubble and back into the catacombs. She couldn't walk, but she could _feel_ and the feeling of Lilith's arms around her? It was like nothing she had ever felt before. Ava dropped her head onto Lilith's shoulder, muttered out something that sounded like "i want to live for you" and promptly passed out.

She came to in Father Vincent's arms (they were rough compared to Lilith's) and then she was rolling out of his grip to walk with her sisters (with Lilith) to fight Adriel. Lilith grabbed her hand, and together they walked out of the St. Peter's Basilica into the night, only to see Adriel in the main square. Together, Lilith and Ava both tense, and the air seems to get a little crisper. Ava doesn't really recall the next few minutes, but all she knows is that she won't let Lilith (or anyone else) die for her again, so when she sees Mary head into the mass of possessed people, she takes a step forward, ready to face off with Evil and win, no matter what it takes.

The battle is messy and loud and it's hard for Ava to keep track of everybody (especially following such a brutal betrayal by Father Vincent) and so she tries to feel each of her people. The Halo is burning under her skin as she cuts down more wraith demons than she can count, and when she finally reaches Adriel, she can feel Lilith and her sisters behind her. It's almost like one of the tag team wrestling matches she used to watch on tv back in the orphanage, but this time, to lose is to die.

"Let me fight him, I can heal. The rest of you should focus on the humans." Ava yells, completely disregarding Lilith, but when the older woman steps up beside her? Ava takes her hand and together, the two of them turn all their focus onto fighting Adriel. He's fast, and Lilith seems to teleport at the most inconvenient times, but somehow, through the sword slashes and crossbow bolts, Adriel appears weak. Ava takes one step forward, to try and end it all, but Adriel manages to stick the divinium blade (where did he even get the small dagger?) in to her ribs, and the adrenaline can't mask this pain. Lilith has gone again, teleporting in a mysterious cloud of silver and red smoke, but she comes up behind Adriel with the divinium sword across his neck. She looks exhausted and ready to collapse, and Adriel somehow manages to slip out of her grip and disappear in his own silvery fashion.

Ava realizes she's been watching the whole thing from the floor, knife still stuck in her torso, blood coating her fingers, and she's failed. She didn't die for her sisters, and Adriel has managed to get away. There are hands on her body and Lilith's face is above her, mouth moving and words sounding far away, but Ava manages to catch one phrase.

"I didn't die for you just to die yourself, Ava Silva. You better stay alive goddamnit."

The words ring in Ava's ears, swim across her brain, long after she's unconscious. But she swims in them for who knows how long. They take shape in her brain, blocky letters, bubble letters, flashing and twirling like some bad 80's intro. She thinks, at some point, that the words fade, but then she she's Lilith above her, lights muted and knows that the words were real. Ava closes her eyes again and this time, she's swimming through an ocean of Lilith's eyes and silver. The color of Lilith's eyes seems to be everywhere, the feeling of coming home (since when did Lilith feel like coming home? it's almost as if the Halo is at home with Lilith, and Ava _wants_ that).

The next time she wakes, she's more coherent, can barely get Lilith's name off her tongue before the other woman is there, fingers stroking across Ava's cheek.

"Wha - what 'apn'ed?" Her words are so incredibly slurred, Lilith's face a little blurry, but she feels better already, just with Lilith's touch on her cheek.

"You almost died for us, you idiot." Lilith's words are cut off by a sob. Ava feels the despair in her own heart, can swear she feels the hurt Lilith is feeling. "You almost left me here alone."

Ava is shocked at Lilith's words, knows they have more to talk about, at the very least, figuring out what the hell it is that's connecting them, but all Ava wants to do is curl into Lilith's arms and be held by her. So Ava attempts to tug on Lilith's sleeve to get her into bed with her, and she can feel the Halo glow a little. Her desires must be written on her face, because Lilith is crawling into bed behind her, tucking Ava under her chin.

"'m s'rry you thou- you thought 'd le' you die f'r me." Ava's words are a jumbled mess, but she wants to get this out. "'d die for you, wish 't was me 'nstead."

Lilith just shushes her and runs her fingers through Ava's hair, pressing a kiss to Ava's sweaty forehead

"It's my job to die for the Halo Bearer, but somehow, I don't think I'm supposed to die for you, Ava. I think we're supposed to live for each other."


End file.
